After I was more than a little bit let down by my last attempt at having a serious relationship with a normal guy I was extremely into and also pretty much awesome friends with already, I decided that in order to get over what had pretty much just been one of the craziest, intense, and eventful months of my life, I had to look at life with a whole new set of eyes. Nothing was going to get me down and that was because I was not going to let it.
Of course one of the main areas I enhanced with this new attitude was getting my mack on. Not only was I never going to let another boy spin me around how I just had been, I was going to go after exactly what I wanted and see what happens. A good guy I actually have a lot of genuine fun with and can be my complete self around has to be out there somewhere. I don’t even necessarily want them to be my boyfriend, I am just sick of feeling like I have to act like a sub par version of myself around guys in order to allow them to feel like the more important person in the relationship simply because they are more able to control when we have sex and that feeling of utter submission has transferred into other areas of my relationships with guys as well.
I finally am discovering how much better it feels to let all of my personality out that I have deemed too-crazy-to-be-expressed before, and act in the way I really feel. Yes, this may seem reckless and over the top, tearing down my censor and just saying what I feel about things. I do consider peoples feelings and I don’t want anyone to be hurt by the things I have said, I am just being real about how I feel about a subject and everyone is entitled to the freedom of expression, right?
In my last relationship I let myself be simply ignored because I thought if I could just find the perfect version of Celia that would make him talk to me again, this time as the girl he asked to be the one he could really count on to be there because I had deep romantic feelings for him that he convinced me were mutual, we could have the relationship I so badly desired. If I let him control every aspect right down to when I was even allowed to feel like asking to hang out, he might finally figure out a schedule where he could fit me in for at least 15 minutes and maybe he might show me some affection like walking close to me or a tiny peck on the lips. Surprise, surprise, this didn’t work and I quickly found out how it felt to be kicked in the chest.
Part of me wonders what allowed me to let myself be treated in such a way where I was completely unhappy and stressed out over winning the approval of a man I clearly thought was someone totally different than he was–but then the other part of me wonders what I could have done better to keep him as my own. THIS is the behavior that I am cutting out by not letting anything bring me down. I will walk around with a smile on my face because I know I am at least trying to learn from the things in my past that have led me to this point.
If I put time into a guy it is because I find them to be a genuinely interesting human being and honestly want to find out more about that other person in order to learn from the experience I have with them, not just use them for some sort of validation or physical possession. If they are booty calling me all weekend and late at night when they don’t have class the next morning, I will treat them how they treat me, or at least be honest with myself and them when I reply to their text that I would love to sleep over.