While most rational human beings should be caring about things in their immediate personal lives or if they have the time and energy, keep up with the revolutions in the Middle East and North Africa or the effects Kim Jong-Il’s dictatorship is having on the nuclear safety of the world and cognitive prison he has put his people in, there seems to be another topic sweeping our media outlets, cable television shows, friend’s Facebook feeds, and now Twitter, and that is Charlie Sheen.
I don’t even know how this all started and most people I ask have no idea how this asshole even got famous besides his shitty show, Two and a Half Men, and his famous father, but now some of the hottest topics are his latest interviews and reckless behavior that has been taking place for quite sometime now. Even when he claims he has cured himself in his own personal home now called the Sober Valley Lodge where he lives with his goddesses, the ridiculous antics have not stopped and there seems to be no end in sight, safe of him possibly overdosing, but remember “drug tests don’t lie” and he is perfectly clean. However, things have only seemed to have gotten worse, even though according to him he has no problems because he has tiger’s blood and is not bi-polar, he is bi-winning.
Now I could look at this in a number of ways, like what does this say about the interests of the American people and what we consider news, or how addiction ruins lives and we should be looking at him and other celebrities like Christina Aguilera and teach people why making rational, sober decisions is important and should be valued in society, but I am not. I am going to take the road less travelled on this issue and propose a new theory for Charlie Sheen. What if this is all an elaborate joke? Can we recall Joaquin Phoenix’s documentary, I’m Still Here? I mean that had me going.
We could compare Charlie Sheen asking for a raise from almost $2 million to a solid $3 million dollars an episode to Joaquin Phoenix’s deep desire for everyone to take him seriously as a rapper and have P. Diddy produce his album. Joaquin Phoenix and his crew also seemed to be doing tonnnnssss of drugs, enough to even have one of his friends running around naked flinging his dick about like a maniac. Charlie Sheen not only is doing the same, but also bragging about it. “I was banging seven-gram rocks. Because that’s how I roll. I have one speed. I have one gear: Go. ” He even made quotes about the recent binge that I believe ended up with him in the hospital as”radical. … The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards look like droopy-eyed, armless children.” I mean this is a man who allegedly carries bricks of cocaine in brief cases. WHO THE FUKKKK DOES THAT? Apparently the answer to that question is simple. Charlie Sheen does, that’s who.
If this really is all another hoax Hollywood is pulling on the American people, it comes into question, how good of an actor is Charlie Sheen and where did his teeth go? Could he be coming up with all of these crazy adventures as a part of a plot to get major amounts of attention? Probably not, but how hilarious would that be? A big fukkk you to Ashton Kutcher and Joaquin Phoenix as the biggest punk of all time. But all in all the person I am really in awe of is the owner of the bakery who made him this cake.
How did he keep that a secret without calling TMZ immediately when they got the order from Charlie Sheen himself, because we all know he probably doesn’t have an assistant if even his publicist won’t work for him, that he would like a cake with an Oscar on it, but instead of the trophy head he would like his own face to represent amazing achievement in acting, which goes back to my original point, is he faking it? Some people would rather have a cake than a trophy, like Kathy Griffin, but come on people, who really does this shit?!?! Also is the plate it is on edible that he decided that Oscars 2011 should be written in frosting on it or did he not have enough money to get a big enough cake and that is why he needs a raise, so he can get bigger more ridiculous cakes? Oh ya right he needs a raise so her can get bigger more ridiculous briefcases of cocaine and replace his goddesses after he yells at them in a closet or they feel like they might OD and quit on him….or get fired shortly after quitting, he said she said, its all the same to the president of the wacko committee.
Most people want this to continue simply because the entertainment value is so high and I have to admit I am getting a lot of enjoyment out of it too. Now that the twins are out of the Sober Valley Lodge, go crazy Charlie Sheen. Put it in gear and stick with your one speed ahead mantra. At this rate your funeral will probably be the least attended event ever, but have more television viewers than an episode of Two and a Half Men.
Just be sure to cut enough money out of your coke budget to have a large trust fund ready so that your children can use it for therapy instead of college because trust me, they are going to need that much more than an education at this point.